The usual tour of Australia's first capital will start at Fed Square. A hop on a tram will take the new arrival up Flinders Street and around to Parliament building, through Carlton and its Royal Exhibition Building, Australia's only UNESCO-listed built structure. It will then stop by some churches, cathedrals and so on. The usual stuff. The visitor will no doubt unwind in serenity of the Botanical gardens, and imagine a more Romantic time, a times when the Wurundjeri tribe camped around the old River Red Gum, standing proud among the tiny preserved patch of native grassland by the cafe.
The tourist will see Melbourne that was shaped by European settlers' yearn for their distant homes, great buildings with intricate facades and nothing behind them (there wont be John Wayne on hand to complete the film set). A few will wonder on technological marvel of corporate towers (not if they are Asian) made possible by an old mustachioed Sicilian guy by the name of Grollo. The more curious souls will ask themselves what that weird green and purple building is. Some joke perhaps?
Anyway.
Chances are you come from a place where you can see all of that anyway. And it is probably much older, bigger, higher etc. It may have been damaged in a previous war, rebuilt, extended, had its owners changed...
If you are local, then you really need to read further.
To go and do the above would not do justice to the city. Instead try these itineraries that really make Melbourne what it is today: Worlds "most livable city". For this trip you will need a Bike or (for the more adventurous urban hikers) a sturdy pair of shoes, perseverance and a mountain of self-confidence. A car is not recommended.
You may occasionally want to hop on a local bus and join the lonely driver of south European origin (or Wog as they are known here), couple of teenagers, recent arrivals from the Horn of Africa, and a local Greek grandma in black.
After all, there is nothing deceptive about distances in this part of the world.
City to Footscray via Footsray Road
Start your way in the City on Collins Street's southern end. Cross the bridge into Docklands. Marvel for a few minutes at what greed and human stupidity can do. Take a few deep breaths as this will be the final time you breath is composed of a high proportion of Oxygen. You'll find in a moment, Melbourne as you've known it finishes abruptly here.
Welcome to the real world. The world of giant warehouses where you can fit 20 jumbo jets. The world of container cities, gigantic cranes and oil tankers. And the supporting service industry composed of seemingly mobile, though in reality, quite permanently docked - Kebab Shops.
And labour.
Slowly make your way along Footscray Road. Listen. Observe. This is Melbourne.
Footscray
Real fun starts here. You are now entering Footscray. A short detour to Barkley Street is OK. They say you will find best Kebabs in the southern hemisphere here. While you wait on that perfect Lamb Shish admire the central plaza which was recently "rejuvenated", although nature seems to be reclaiming it faster than local politicians would like...
Footscray is a mixture of equal parts Addis Ababa and Saigon, with some imaginative adaptations of Victorian terraced-buildings. By definition this place is very un-Australian, yet it is probably the only place in Australia that lives this countries' motto, quite to the bone.
Make sure to find your way back to Whitehall street, past an array of Petrol Stations, Car repair shops, car dealers, and a lone nondescript furniture store with the ad proudly proclaiming "new arrivals", though upon closer inspection it's obvious that nothing in there could have been in existence for less than 30 years.
Don't be afraid by locals' outfits. The most common deaths here can be attributed to an occasional gas leak in the Yarraville terminal or poisoning due to digestion of its namesake river, if you were keen for that quick skinny-dip at river's mouth near Williamstown at dusk.
West Gate Bridge and Yarraville
Now that you're here, it means you have successfully acclimatised to the peculiarities of the local micro-climate. You are managing the odours of Hydrochloric Sulphur like a Soviet and breathing the fumes from articulated lorries like it's Sassafras on the Dandenong Ranges.
Turn left at Whitehall Street and into Trucking lane galore towards Francis Street. Explore little side streets that offer glimpses of the Yarra River where you may catch a sight of the Shanghai Express, a mere 321 metre long vessel from the Great Athens of China, along with its 80,000 tonnes of cargo of containers packed with LCD TV's, sports goods, toys and clothes, all destined for shops of Melbourne, Ballarat and Greater Bendigo.
Nearby, Ming and his two Chinese businessmen mates inquire about directions to the port: Ming proudly declares that his ship is docked there. The trio's pleasant smile and unlikely dress for this environment (suits and ties) is understandable. They know very well what has made cities like Melbourne so prosperous. They are seasoned citizens of the less-glamorous parts of town, not afraid to stretch their legs and see for themselves the fruits of their labour (and money), in action.
Using the West Gate Bridge as point of reference, and keeping as close to shore as the factories allow, proceed to walk right under it, by the plaque built in memory of the 35 construction workers bearing names such as Tsihilidis, Boscolo and O'Brian, who died building a dream of planners from across the river. Their spirit lives on here, among the egg-shaped gas containers, in the shadow of this great structure, that's not sung about, not written of at length in the Lonely Planet, whose headquarters are - incidentally - a walking distance away from here, on the shores of the neighbouring Marrybyrnong River...
Please check back, next time, as we continue our journey from Yarraville, via Altona and Point Cook, to our final destination, the Werribee Sewage Treatment Plant, where we'll try to make some sense of the mess that is Melbourne...
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